Friday, March 17, 2017

You can talk the sleep talk but can you walk the sleep walk?

I have talked in my sleep since I was a child. Obviously, no one know they talk in their sleep. All the men I've slept with have told me. Now that I have been monogamous for 3.5 years, I get to hear the really good stuff from my fiancé, Kyle.

1. I once asked him his address (we live together). I then proceeded to accuse him of being a "shitty landlord." Then (I don't really like to share this but I must), I tried to pee in the closet. Hey, apparently that's not an uncommon thing. They used to call my cousin, Jesse, the "Wet Bandit." Every time he got drunk he peed on things. He ruined his friend's new futon. He also peed on his wallet. Maybe it's just in my genes. We're Palmers and we pee where we want!

2. I speak fluent Spanish in my sleep. This is coming from my boyfriend who speaks no Spanish at all so I'm probably just saying Spanish words and then a bunch of made-up words that sound like Spanish. I'm gonna go with the idea that I secretly speak fluent Spanish and am just too timid to speak it while conscious.

3. Last night I was tugging at Kyle's shirt. I said "Take it off." He was like, "Why?" He got excited. I then instructed him how to take off his shirt by telling him to "put your head through the hole." He gave his shirt to me. I thanked him and snuggled with it.

4. I have attempted to go out onto the balcony and through the window to pee. There seems to be a pattern here. I'm just progressive and sticking it to the man. I'm breaking the toilet norm.

I really want to record myself at night but I'm afraid it will reveal a demonic side of my personality or a presence in the house like on Paranormal Activity.

5. I talk like I'm at work in the beautiful paradise that regular civilians call "The Deli." I talk to customers about how thin they want their cheese. I'm very friendly and courteous.

6. I demanded that Kyle get off my sheet. Then I dragged it all the way into the kitchen. Then I came back to bed. Why? We'll never know.

7. This one happened at my dad's house when I was 12. I woke up in the middle of the night with no pillow. I was very confused and upset. The next morning I passed my dad's room and he had my fuckin' pillow! I was furious. When I confronted him about it he said I had brought it to him in the night as a gift.

Side note about my dad: He sleeps on the floor. He's like Tom Hanks in Castaway after he has slept in a cave for over a decade and then returns to regular life and can't sleep on a bed. Except my dad has never been marooned on a deserted island. At least not to my knowledge. Who knows? He's a very mysterious man.


  1. I had to laugh out loud when I read why you don't try to video yourself because of Paranormal activity - that is exactly my reason! Also because I'm pretty sure I DO have a ghost, although after 18 years in this house together, it's pretty quiet. :) (PS I also talk in my sleep AND I snore quite ... enthusiastically).
    although I think my sleeptalk is mostly nonsense or else I've got religion and am speaking in tongues. who knows?

  2. OH I forgot I wanted to show you my actual ghost pic/evidence. :)

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