Friday, February 10, 2017

Loud chewers and other terrible human beings.

I've been told that I'm annoyed at pretty much everything. Not gonna argue with that. The mere fact that the human race exists at all is annoying. I asked my boyfriend not to do something the other night and he said "I'll just add it to the list," as if I would need a physical list to remember all of the things that annoy me. In retrospect, that comment annoys me. Anyway, here's a comprehensive list of the outrageous things that people do just to make me insane.

1. Absolutely #1: Loud chewing! My parents chewed loudly during my rearing years. My dad's defense was that it "echoed throughout his skull." Both of my brothers and sister-in-law chew loudly. Also, my sister-in-law breathes loudly while she chews so that's a double-whammy. Do I have hypersensitive ears or is everyone else crazy? My classmates eat in class. I would rather starve to death than eat crunchy snacks in a classroom. No one else seems to notice! I don't understand. I should be a recluse with cats. Yeah, sometimes they chew loudly too but they know not what they do and they can't talk and they're fluffy.

2. Breathing, coughing or sneezing too loudly or too softly. If you've got a breathing problem, stop smoking and get a damn inhaler. I'm gonna do us all a favor and shout out a PSA to all you mouth breathers: Stop. Just stop. If that means holding your breath, well... Sneezing loudly has been an issue since my childhood. Both of my parents sneeze so loudly it sounds like a freight train crashing into another freight train filled with elephants and 5 metal bands. It was terrifying as a child and now only serves to piss me off. Now when I say "sneezing too quietly," I'm talking about what I like to refer to as "The Princess Sneeze." It's those girls who practiced their sneezes back in junior high so they would sound more feminine. You know, to make the sneeze sound cute instead of the disgusting snot/saliva geyser it really is. You're not fooling anyone, girls. I'm not saying you should go for the freight train elephant sneeze, I'm just saying stop being a weirdo.

3. Hipsters. You know, I've been accused of being a hipster on multiple occasions because apparently owning antiques and listening to music that doesn't suck makes you a hipster. However, this is certainly the worst, shall I say slander, that you could inflict upon me. Oh, the pretention! Oh, the vinyl records and ironic socks. Dammit, I just remembered I have a ring in my nose.

4. People who have never worked in the food service industry. You know the ones. They are for some reason under the impression that the server also doubles as the chef. They have gift cards and get a $100 meal for $13 and tip you off the $13. It's even better when they don't tip at all. I mean, I did deal with your charming demon child who almost tripped me with a tray of food because you're terrible parents who allow said demon child to run around a restaurant, but it's all worth it for my livelihood. Oh, no tip? Well hell. I should have dropped that tray of hot spaghetti on your kid.

5. Rich college kids with no jobs. (Mind you, I did attend OU my freshman year). Oh, you're 19 and you drive a Range Rover? That's cool. Actually it's not because you backed into my bicycle with it and now I have no transportation. Please ask your dad to send money for compensation. Oh, you get to volunteer and have a rich boyfriend and go out every night and get massages? The only massage I'll be getting is from my cat crawling on my back when I've passed out drunk on the floor after I fell into a toilet because my life as a working college student is really starting to get to me.

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