Thursday, January 26, 2017

I'm a Mean Girl.

I know I'm not a sports blogger but I had a funny and kind of mean idea. Forgive me. Here's a list of the top 10 sexiest athletes in no particular order:

1. Larry Byrd- Former forward for the Boston Celtics and proud owner of a pedophile mustache.

               2. OK, Shaq isn't actually bad looking. I just included him because                 he made this atrocious rap video:

               3. Dennis Rodman- Strappy halter bra: check. Belly chain:     check. Unusual friendship with terrible North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un: check.

 4. Pete Rose- Actually a former badass baseball player who was given a permanent ineligibility from baseball for gambling on games. C'mon, MLB, don't deprive us of that half-mullet and irresistible scowl.

5. OJ Simpson- Did he do it? Most certainly. Do I wanna be that glove? Would I be a terrible person to say "yes?"

             6. Charlie Villanueva- Former Dallas Mavericks forward.                               Unfortunate victim of a cruel eyebrow shaving prank. I told my                     friend that he looks like this guy. We aren't friends anymore.

7. Chris Kaman- Plays center for the Portland Trail Blazers. In his free time he mans a Viking ship to Greenland, drinks from a giant goblet and eats giant greasy turkey legs.

8. Joakim Noah- The ethnic version of "The Leprechaun." That tooth gap is flossed with a fan belt.

9. Paul McQuistan- I'm a sucker for a good mullet.

10. Yao Ming- He's not really bad looking either. I just thought I should include him because he's, like, the only Asian who played in the NBA.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Jobs for Weirdos and Awesome People.

I'm not sure if this is interesting to anyone else but I'm always curious as to what people's salaries are in unusual jobs. It's a weird sort of obsession like the morbid obsession I've got with the Holocaust. I've had the Holocaust thing since I was a kid. I'm not making light of the atrocity, it's just a horrifying piece of history. Anyway, in no particular order, here are the awesome things that I aspire to be:

NFL referee: $173,000 annually! I'd be afraid if I made a bad call someone would follow me to my car and kill me. I wonder if they've got bodyguards like Whitney Houston? (Kevin Costner= super hot in that movie but not as hot as in "Tin Cup".)

Anthony Bourdain, (Renowned chef. Dude who travels around the world and gets paid to eat and drink.) Net worth: $6 million! He's also super hot.

Donald Trump: He's rich.

Kim Kardashian: Net worth: $150 million. I'm still unsure what her profession is but I need to get in on that.

Shrimp boat captain in Louisiana: The top ten percent earn $117,210. And all the shrimp you can eat. They might be burned out on shrimp, though. I just realized this is my second post and both of them contain information about shrimp. I'm discovering myself. Coconut shrimp are my favorite from The Red Lobster's. I call it The Red Lobster's because I saw that once on Jerry Springer where a woman caught her boyfriend cheating on her at The Red Lobster's. (That's what they called it. It changed my life).

Tuesday, January 17, 2017


Shrimp are slippery when dropped on the floor and therefore my friend and I have concluded that shrimp are the banana peels of the sea. We work in the deli at Sprouts and it's next to the meat dept. They always drop shrimp and for some reason leave them on the floor for, like, 5 hours. Is this a ploy to make others slip on the shrimp? Are the meat dept. employees sociopaths? It's a dangerous world.