Tuesday, March 21, 2017

What have you learned about writing for a blog?
2.  How has your blogged changed during the semester, and why?
3.  How is blogging important to your chosen major/career?
4.  How has blogging in this class affected you?
5.  What have been the most important lessons from the class?


The Audience Must Be Crazy.

I've learned that everyone's got a niche. Some people's niches aren't anything more than a life blog and that's OK. That's what my blog is. Also, if you want to be a successful blogger you must be attentive to what you're writing and who you're writing for. I I had an audience they would probably be a bit off to appreciate my humor and morbid nature. 



My Blog is Shit.

I feel like my blog has evolved in the sense that it has become more...professional, if that's possible for a ridiculous humor blog. I know my way around the website much better despite my ridiculous lack of technological knowledge. 

The Death of the English Language.

I believe that blogging has certainly made me a more conscious writer. I edit everything because I don't want to appear stupid, although stupid people can be entertaining, too. Blogging has benefitted me mainly because it's the most fun I've had on social media and has shown me that there are many talented bloggers out there who actually make money from their writing skills. Blogging has taught me the importance of writing well regardless of which facet of journalism you choose to use.


I'm Only a Novice Blogging Jedi.

I think the biggest impact has been my adopted blogger. She's shown me that you can say whatever you want and not feel the need to apologize. Also, I now realize that literally anyone can blog about anything. You can even blog about your mundane life. There's always something to be said for everything. 

Lessons Smessons. 

Just kidding. I have learned so much from this class. It's given me the confidence to write unapologetically. I've learned that blogging is a vast world of information and people's lives and experiences. It's actually incredible.  






Friday, March 17, 2017

You can talk the sleep talk but can you walk the sleep walk?

I have talked in my sleep since I was a child. Obviously, no one know they talk in their sleep. All the men I've slept with have told me. Now that I have been monogamous for 3.5 years, I get to hear the really good stuff from my fiancé, Kyle.

1. I once asked him his address (we live together). I then proceeded to accuse him of being a "shitty landlord." Then (I don't really like to share this but I must), I tried to pee in the closet. Hey, apparently that's not an uncommon thing. They used to call my cousin, Jesse, the "Wet Bandit." Every time he got drunk he peed on things. He ruined his friend's new futon. He also peed on his wallet. Maybe it's just in my genes. We're Palmers and we pee where we want!

2. I speak fluent Spanish in my sleep. This is coming from my boyfriend who speaks no Spanish at all so I'm probably just saying Spanish words and then a bunch of made-up words that sound like Spanish. I'm gonna go with the idea that I secretly speak fluent Spanish and am just too timid to speak it while conscious.

3. Last night I was tugging at Kyle's shirt. I said "Take it off." He was like, "Why?" He got excited. I then instructed him how to take off his shirt by telling him to "put your head through the hole." He gave his shirt to me. I thanked him and snuggled with it.

4. I have attempted to go out onto the balcony and through the window to pee. There seems to be a pattern here. I'm just progressive and sticking it to the man. I'm breaking the toilet norm.

I really want to record myself at night but I'm afraid it will reveal a demonic side of my personality or a presence in the house like on Paranormal Activity.

5. I talk like I'm at work in the beautiful paradise that regular civilians call "The Deli." I talk to customers about how thin they want their cheese. I'm very friendly and courteous.

6. I demanded that Kyle get off my sheet. Then I dragged it all the way into the kitchen. Then I came back to bed. Why? We'll never know.

7. This one happened at my dad's house when I was 12. I woke up in the middle of the night with no pillow. I was very confused and upset. The next morning I passed my dad's room and he had my fuckin' pillow! I was furious. When I confronted him about it he said I had brought it to him in the night as a gift.

Side note about my dad: He sleeps on the floor. He's like Tom Hanks in Castaway after he has slept in a cave for over a decade and then returns to regular life and can't sleep on a bed. Except my dad has never been marooned on a deserted island. At least not to my knowledge. Who knows? He's a very mysterious man.


Wednesday, March 8, 2017


Emily Palmer

Dr. Clark

Blog Paper

9 March 2017



            I’m so glad I took this class because I didn’t realize how satisfying blogging is. It allows people to express their feelings in a way that gives them time to think. So often we speak without thinking. Blogging is a way to filter ourselves. It allows the blogger to consider consequences and personally has shown me that I’m much more eloquently spoken through writing.

            I like the fact that I can showcase my humor. Some of it may be a little off-color or offensive. I’m not trying to hide behind a computer when I say these things. I know that if a reader is offended by something I say they can just not read my blog. Having a blog is very liberating in that way.

            An aspect of blogging that I would ideally look into is blogging for a company. I’ve spoken to several people who get paid to sit at home and blog a couple of times a month. Some people get advertisers on their blogs. The blogger needs to have a niche. I don’t think my blog really has a niche. It certainly has a target audience: people who share the same humor as me. My friends think it’s funny. I can see how many readers wouldn’t agree. So, it seems that the people who are making money from their blogs, aside from blogging for a company, are blogging about something that’s fairly universal like makeup, health, beauty, food, travel and other things that are far more relatable.

            I wish more people read my blog. I’ve been contemplating putting a link to it on Facebook. I appreciate this class because I will probably include my blog on my resume just to demonstrate that I actually know how to write. This is why I have kept my blog fairly clear of profanity and anything inappropriate, although again, I can see how some people might get offended by my humor. That’s the whole point. Humor is supposed to be offensive.

Friday, March 3, 2017

Attention: White People.

I'm Caucasian so I think that's probably the only race I can make fun of. I love how America's got such a melting pot of diversity. I'm also very interested in the rest of the world (yes, America, there are other countries in the world). I love other cultures and really just want to travel for the rest of my life. I've hung out solely with Black people and was very confused about some of the things that they did. They were merciless with their teasing and I genuinely thought they were being mean. That was just their particular friendship. (Not saying all Black people are like that, it was just my experience). I grew up in a small town that was probably 50% Native American. Everyone calls them Indians where I'm from. I'm aware that that's not politically correct but that's just how I grew up. It wasn't considered a derogatory term. The most interesting thing about Indians is their ability to laugh at themselves. White people aren't generally like that. White people tend to get embarrassed. I've learned to laugh at myself through my Native family members. It's much easier. And this is not a white people bashing post! My family is (mostly) white. However, we are cool white people. I guess this is really just making fun of dorky white people.




Image result for white people new balance  If my white boyfriend ever tried to wear these (and trust me, he's got no style), I would encourage my cat to poop in them. I think they made these specifically for white men to ward off any chance of them meeting a woman. Unless she's got a pair as well. And at that point I want nothing to do with either of you.


    Image result for poor people bologna sandwich   This is called being a poor white person. I've been there. Honestly this could probably go for any race. When grilled in a skillet, this is called a "McStruggle."

Image result for white people hair  Oh, man. Can we just not do cornrows? Cornrows are only mildly acceptable while vacationing in Cancun or participating in a cheerleading competition.

Image result for stupid white person names   I know everyone's seen this around the internet. What's most disturbing to me is that I kind of like most of those names. She really wanted the letter "y" in the name. Clearly this should be your biggest concern when naming a child.

Image result for redneck  Rednecks. They're everywhere. My brother lives in Portland and he says they are there, too! Portland is the most hipster infested city in the country in case you weren't aware. I should do a post about hipsters. Anyway, this picture makes me cringe because I know probably 100 people who look like this. Oh, I just noticed her Insane Clown Posse tattoo. How appropriate.


Image result for white people baby announcements   I actually think it's funny that they wrote "banana" on the baby's tummy. But seriously, what is up with these weird baby announcements? Also, that guy is not drinking beer. Look at those abs.



Image result for weird white people   Another example of a weird announcement. I'm assuming it's an engagement announcement but maybe it's just a picture of their love on a bale of hay. Either way, the photographer should never have agreed to this. Good job on the Photoshop, though. The guy's outfit is a nice touch. I think he's got on those damn New Balances!

  Image result for white people dancing In their defense, I can't dance either. I just don't care and clearly they don't either. Bust a move!



Image result for weird white people   I love this. The security guard's like, "What the hell is happening?"

Related image  Another time in which the photographer should have put their foot down. I've had conversations with people like this. The topics usually consist of Renaissance Fairs and cats. My parents forced my brother and I to attend a Renaissance Fair when I was a kid. I didn't know yet that those people existed, I just knew that my family and I did not belong. There were several giant pet iguanas and people talking in Old English.



Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Deli is Life. Life is Deli.

Working in the deli is fine because my boss is "bossome" and my customers are generally pretty cool. Anyone who's worked in customer service knows that you get "those people." The "I need to speak with your manager" people. The people with 7 screaming kids using food stamps so they can save their cash for cigarettes and beer. The people who are hypochondriacs and believe they are gluten intolerant. Then you have the ones who are on special fad diets that they read about and really have absolutely no idea about nutrition. Regardless, deli is life and life is deli.




This is my coworker, Krystle. She's pretty much the best person ever except she nearly blinded me with the scan gun. Cunning fox of a woman.


This is a picture of ice that I thought was cool. No real explanation other than that.

This is a tray rack from the bakery dept. which is connected to our dept.
They are always in the way and when pushed across the floor make the
most terrible sound I've ever heard. Also, those muffin trays weigh, like, 15 pounds.
No exaggeration. Why would one need such heavy-
duty equipment to produce such moist and light-weight
treats? It's a weird sort of oxymoron. Like jumbo shrimp.
There I go with the shrimp again. I should rename this blog
"Shrimplover."







These are the bakery ovens. They are terrifying. You could fit probably 10 humans in this. I don't think I've mentioned the fact that I've got a weird interest in cannibalism. I don't even like meat that much and am certainly no Hannibal Lector. I just like to be prepared in case some crazy stuff goes down on this here planet and we run out of food. I certainly won't be the first to go.


Rotisserie chickens. The bane of my existence. You put 21 raw chickens into an oven for 2 hours. You take the chickens out and put them into containers and make labels for the lids. You put the lids on and take the chickens out to the chicken table. At the end of the night you shred the leftover chickens. This is done about 3 times daily. It is a terrible and monotonous routine and makes me depressed for the chickens who sometimes die in vain.  


These are labels.

This is Krystle again really embodying the true spirit of the deli. Don't mistake her facial expression for misery. We in the deli consider that a look of pure pleasure.


This is a close-up of a dead fish from the meat dept. I touched it and also I touched its eyeball. Both were very slimy and gelatinous. I just thought this picture was interesting. Sometimes the meat guys cut off the fish's heads and it's very disturbing to say the least.

Here are the real money makers. Get you some Liverwurst.
These are ciabattas that we make sandwiches with. Apparently the bakery won't make them for us anymore because they are the spawns of Satan so we make them now. We are not bakers! Deli people unite! All of our ciabattas look and taste like they were run over by a 4-wheeler and then set out in the snow overnight. And then burned with a blowtorch.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Loud chewers and other terrible human beings.

I've been told that I'm annoyed at pretty much everything. Not gonna argue with that. The mere fact that the human race exists at all is annoying. I asked my boyfriend not to do something the other night and he said "I'll just add it to the list," as if I would need a physical list to remember all of the things that annoy me. In retrospect, that comment annoys me. Anyway, here's a comprehensive list of the outrageous things that people do just to make me insane.

1. Absolutely #1: Loud chewing! My parents chewed loudly during my rearing years. My dad's defense was that it "echoed throughout his skull." Both of my brothers and sister-in-law chew loudly. Also, my sister-in-law breathes loudly while she chews so that's a double-whammy. Do I have hypersensitive ears or is everyone else crazy? My classmates eat in class. I would rather starve to death than eat crunchy snacks in a classroom. No one else seems to notice! I don't understand. I should be a recluse with cats. Yeah, sometimes they chew loudly too but they know not what they do and they can't talk and they're fluffy.

2. Breathing, coughing or sneezing too loudly or too softly. If you've got a breathing problem, stop smoking and get a damn inhaler. I'm gonna do us all a favor and shout out a PSA to all you mouth breathers: Stop. Just stop. If that means holding your breath, well... Sneezing loudly has been an issue since my childhood. Both of my parents sneeze so loudly it sounds like a freight train crashing into another freight train filled with elephants and 5 metal bands. It was terrifying as a child and now only serves to piss me off. Now when I say "sneezing too quietly," I'm talking about what I like to refer to as "The Princess Sneeze." It's those girls who practiced their sneezes back in junior high so they would sound more feminine. You know, to make the sneeze sound cute instead of the disgusting snot/saliva geyser it really is. You're not fooling anyone, girls. I'm not saying you should go for the freight train elephant sneeze, I'm just saying stop being a weirdo.

3. Hipsters. You know, I've been accused of being a hipster on multiple occasions because apparently owning antiques and listening to music that doesn't suck makes you a hipster. However, this is certainly the worst, shall I say slander, that you could inflict upon me. Oh, the pretention! Oh, the vinyl records and ironic socks. Dammit, I just remembered I have a ring in my nose.

4. People who have never worked in the food service industry. You know the ones. They are for some reason under the impression that the server also doubles as the chef. They have gift cards and get a $100 meal for $13 and tip you off the $13. It's even better when they don't tip at all. I mean, I did deal with your charming demon child who almost tripped me with a tray of food because you're terrible parents who allow said demon child to run around a restaurant, but it's all worth it for my livelihood. Oh, no tip? Well hell. I should have dropped that tray of hot spaghetti on your kid.

5. Rich college kids with no jobs. (Mind you, I did attend OU my freshman year). Oh, you're 19 and you drive a Range Rover? That's cool. Actually it's not because you backed into my bicycle with it and now I have no transportation. Please ask your dad to send money for compensation. Oh, you get to volunteer and have a rich boyfriend and go out every night and get massages? The only massage I'll be getting is from my cat crawling on my back when I've passed out drunk on the floor after I fell into a toilet because my life as a working college student is really starting to get to me.

Friday, February 3, 2017

I blame the Prozac.

Weird people are the best kind. However, when you get called weird on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times, there are things to consider. Am I too weird? In the future dystopian society that I'm positive will arrive in my lifetime, will I be cast out of said society?

Usually when I fall asleep in the middle of the day for 13 hours or drink so much vodka that it is perpetually seeping out of my pores, I blame the Prozac. It's difficult to blame anything but yourself, though, when it is truly your weirdness coming out in all its glory. Here are a few examples of past behaviors that are apparently considered "weird."

I had a job interview at a book store last summer. I was super nervous and to make matters worse there were two interviewers rather than one. It was hotter than hell in this little room and they sat me on one of those metal chairs that's got, like, a vinyl cushion on it for your butt. My dress kind of came up when I sat there for what seemed like forever and my thighs were sweating hardcore. I couldn't concentrate on the interview because I was thinking about how when I stood up they would see the two giant pools of thigh sweat. Finally, when the interview was over, I decided the best thing to do would be to inform the gentlemen that I had left sweat on their chair because, (and this made perfect sense at the time), they would see it when I left and think I was gross. Another plus to my mentioning the thigh sweat would be an example of my honesty and integrity, which would surely get me the job. So I got up, shook hands with them and said "Hey, I sweat a lot on your chair." They said "Uh...that's ok." I said "Do you have a rag or something? I can clean it up." They said "No."

I didn't get the job.

The other day at school I was sitting next to this guy that I kind of know but not really. He seemed cool so I gave him a mint. I looked at the nutrition facts on the mints and it said a serving size was 14 mints. 14! I then proceeded to explain to my classmate that the serving size was 14 mints and would he mind eating 14 mints? He agreed so I counted out 14 mints. He ate them and said his mouth was "very minty." In my opinion, he's the weirdo in that situation.

Tonight at work this guy shows up at, like, 9:45 and wants some meat cut from the deli in which I work. We were already shutting things down and it is really annoying when people do that but technically we were still open. He asked if I could cut him some meat and I said, "Yeah but it will be a bit because I've got to wait until the slicer components get out of the dishwasher. He said never mind and he would just get prepackaged meat. Then my coworker (whose opinion I highly value), said I sounded rude. It really bothered me and then I saw him at the check out. I power walked to the man and said "Hey, was I rude to you earlier?" He seemed surprised and said "No, you're fine." I said "Ok. I just didn't want you to think I was being rude." Then I power walked back to the deli (power walking is my only speed), and said "I told you so" to my friend. She said "You chased him down? Who does that? You're so weird."

One thing that I will admit is weird is my obsession with smells and the fact that I really want my boyfriend to smell what I smell. My nose is very keen and curious. Sometimes my armpits smell like mildew. I force him to smell them or else I will divorce him even though we aren't technically married or even engaged.

I blow my nose at least 20 times daily. My boyfriend hates snot. Therefore, after I blow my nose into what my mom refers to as a "snot rag," I wad it up and place it somewhere on his body. He freaks out. It's hilarious. I also throw cold water on him when he's in the shower. He always screams "What the hell?!" in this Hank Hill-sounding way. He's not very good at cursing.










Thursday, January 26, 2017

I'm a Mean Girl.

I know I'm not a sports blogger but I had a funny and kind of mean idea. Forgive me. Here's a list of the top 10 sexiest athletes in no particular order:

1. Larry Byrd- Former forward for the Boston Celtics and proud owner of a pedophile mustache.







               2. OK, Shaq isn't actually bad looking. I just included him because                 he made this atrocious rap video: https://youtu.be/dL6kQ0v1PQ8











               3. Dennis Rodman- Strappy halter bra: check. Belly chain:     check. Unusual friendship with terrible North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un: check.










 4. Pete Rose- Actually a former badass baseball player who was given a permanent ineligibility from baseball for gambling on games. C'mon, MLB, don't deprive us of that half-mullet and irresistible scowl.





5. OJ Simpson- Did he do it? Most certainly. Do I wanna be that glove? Would I be a terrible person to say "yes?"









             6. Charlie Villanueva- Former Dallas Mavericks forward.                               Unfortunate victim of a cruel eyebrow shaving prank. I told my                     friend that he looks like this guy. We aren't friends anymore.









7. Chris Kaman- Plays center for the Portland Trail Blazers. In his free time he mans a Viking ship to Greenland, drinks from a giant goblet and eats giant greasy turkey legs.







8. Joakim Noah- The ethnic version of "The Leprechaun." That tooth gap is flossed with a fan belt.






9. Paul McQuistan- I'm a sucker for a good mullet.












10. Yao Ming- He's not really bad looking either. I just thought I should include him because he's, like, the only Asian who played in the NBA.



















Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Jobs for Weirdos and Awesome People.

I'm not sure if this is interesting to anyone else but I'm always curious as to what people's salaries are in unusual jobs. It's a weird sort of obsession like the morbid obsession I've got with the Holocaust. I've had the Holocaust thing since I was a kid. I'm not making light of the atrocity, it's just a horrifying piece of history. Anyway, in no particular order, here are the awesome things that I aspire to be:

NFL referee: $173,000 annually! I'd be afraid if I made a bad call someone would follow me to my car and kill me. I wonder if they've got bodyguards like Whitney Houston? (Kevin Costner= super hot in that movie but not as hot as in "Tin Cup".)

Anthony Bourdain, (Renowned chef. Dude who travels around the world and gets paid to eat and drink.) Net worth: $6 million! He's also super hot.

Donald Trump: He's rich.

Kim Kardashian: Net worth: $150 million. I'm still unsure what her profession is but I need to get in on that.

Shrimp boat captain in Louisiana: The top ten percent earn $117,210. And all the shrimp you can eat. They might be burned out on shrimp, though. I just realized this is my second post and both of them contain information about shrimp. I'm discovering myself. Coconut shrimp are my favorite from The Red Lobster's. I call it The Red Lobster's because I saw that once on Jerry Springer where a woman caught her boyfriend cheating on her at The Red Lobster's. (That's what they called it. It changed my life).



Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Shrimp.

Shrimp are slippery when dropped on the floor and therefore my friend and I have concluded that shrimp are the banana peels of the sea. We work in the deli at Sprouts and it's next to the meat dept. They always drop shrimp and for some reason leave them on the floor for, like, 5 hours. Is this a ploy to make others slip on the shrimp? Are the meat dept. employees sociopaths? It's a dangerous world.